[Carter gives him a smiley face in the real world, then steps inside. He lingers, a little awkward, not sure whether to do anything else - a hug? a kiss on the cheek? - because everything has been such an up and down and one mess after the other and they haven't really seen much of each other and it's honestly a little hard to know where they even stand.
In the end he reaches out to touch his arm gently, maybe a little searchingly - I like you? Do you still like me? Maybe there'll be another date at some point if they can stop transforming into monsters every other week? - and moves over to take the mug and warm his hands.]
That smells good. A lot better than the stuff in the clinic. We should get a new machine for it...
[For a moment he doesn't know what to do--he likes the smiley face in the real world, though. He's too scared that maybe Carter is still upset with him, or that he scared him so badly before that he can't get near him, but the touch on his arm speaks volumes.
He puts his hand on his arm in return, a little reassuringly, maybe a little longer than he should have.
I like you a lot and I'm sorry for what I put you through.]
I'll probably be more useful being the coffee guy for the clinic, so I can take care of that.
[A wry, though sad smile. He hopes he's being a good assistant, though.]
Don't be so hard on yourself. You can still do plenty.
[He sits down, taking a sip of his coffee, one thumb idly running over his fingertips. It's a nervous habit he picked up once thread started sprouting from them and even though he knows it doesn't happen randomly, he can't stop checking if there's some residue there.]
... I feel like there's so much to talk about I don't really know where to start.
I can restock pretty good. Maybe even apply a band-aid.
[It still stings, the loss. But he’d do it over again a million times over just to be safe around Carter.
He takes a sip of his mug, watching Carter curiously. He’s wondering what this might be about. There’s something both pained and fond on his face at the same time. He wishes he could tell what’s bothering him, and he wishes he could protect him from it.]
[Carter looks down at the table, trying to sort through the mess of thoughts that occupy him and pick one to kick off this conversation.
There is of course the elephant in the room - I relapsed and I'm terrified of it happening again - but when he tries to say it, out loud, he feels a suffocating shame and the words won't come. Which of course tells him that he should absolutely say them.]
When you... changed. How did that start? What was it like?
[He looks at his coffee dejectedly, completely oblivious to it all for a moment. It’s just that maybe they could’ve talked about them and maybe he’s reading into this wrong, maybe he’d messed things up too much…]
It was when things got really bad it showed up. And one day it was just…there, just like that.
[…
…
…
Please accept the several long moments for Luka’s brain to catch up.
His mouth opens and closes a couple times, his brows furrowing.
[Did something happen, Luka asks and Carter sinks down in his chair, just visibly slinks, his head disappearing between his shoulders. He's feeling 22 all of a sudden, having to admit to a mistake and knowing when he looks up there'll be Benton's stern face staring back at him.
Worst of all, he's feeling the hypocrisy like a rash burning his skin.
Berating Luka over and over again for aligning with the Stranger, for using his powers, for making all these stupid choices and allowing it to happen in the first place.
It feels like the world is spinning and his face drains, turning paler. He’s never regretted giving up his abilities except for this moment, because right now he feels horrifically powerless.
Afraid.
He wonders if Carter can feel it now. To know that hunger, that need…
He's scaring him and he can feel that and Carter stares at his hand, feeling the fear dance and spin and tingle on the back of his head and in his fingertips.
It's a new sensation, almost alien, like getting a new sense. Except it's not really all that new, is it? Because he knows exactly what it feels like. That hunger, that need. It doesn't come as a shock, it comes as recognition.
He would have preferred the shock.]
I...
[He clings for his hand for support. Or maybe to soak up his fear. He doesn't want to but he can't seem to stop himself and the guilt churns along with the excitement.]
I can do stuff that I couldn't do before. At first I thought it was like... you know. The museum. Something that comes and goes. But... I don't think that's it.
[He’s scaring him and it feels so strange to be on the other side of this. But he can’t help it, can’t stop himself from being afraid, of being terrified of what was happening to Carter, and in some way he supposes he deserves it after everything he’s done.
He squeezes his hand.]
If it hasn’t gone away, it’s probably what you think it is.
[Despite the horror and shame he can't quite help getting a little flustered when he tries to explain.]
I can jump. Uh, well, like, more like, it's more like a leap? Backwards mostly, it, it mostly goes backwards. ... And there's this thing that my hand does, it's like a... thread. That comes out of my hand?
It’s good to learn how it works, how to use it. Not that I’m endorsing using it.
[He knows where that leads.
It’s just.
It’s just that.
It’s just that as weird as it is, this sounds like spider-related powers and also the cutest set of powers he’s ever heard of, and while it’s all very horrifying it also seems to fit Carter very well in a way.]
[Still, he takes his hand and looks it over anyway, though he can no longer remember the names of the muscles and bones, or the layers of skin something may be hiding in.]
Maybe it’s emotional, then? Has anything happened if you were upset for happy?
[Carter watches him and looks down at their hands, Luka's fingers gently moving along his palm. After a moment he reaches out to put his other hand on top, just... holding on for a moment.]
[He squeezes Carter’s hand when he puts his hand on top.]
When I first…when it started, I couldn’t really control it at first. But eventually I could, with practice.
[There’s a pause.]
I was just afraid—I still am. I know you can tell. I want you to feel my fear, and take it. Once you feel that, push that feeling outwards. Like you want to scare me instead.
I can tell, yes. It's like I'm... soaking it up, I don't know how to describe it, I...
[He looks troubled at Luka's suggestion - isn't that the exact opposite of what he should be doing? Isn't feeding your Entity bad? That's what he always argued, incessantly, demandingly. Then again, he can't really keep leaping around uncontrollably or hurt people by accident, can he?
Luka's fear swirls all around him, fills out his head and it feels so good and it makes him so guilty and it's all too much.
If he could just control it-- if he could just stop craving it-- if he could just get away from it--
He suddenly leaps back, away from him, across the room. Taking a nightstand and a chair with him until he's stopped by the opposite wall. It knocks the wind out of him with an oof and then he's down on the ground groaning, a single thread leading over to his hand.]
Yes, you're right. That's exactly what it's like, it--
[That's all he gets out before Carter suddenly leaps, and he's not expecting that at all. Luka startles just as much when the lightstand and chair go with him and he knocks his own chair over, rushing over to Carter's side.]
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chiming
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Date: 2023-04-28 01:09 pm (UTC)From:Luka opens the door a moment later, ducking his head in the doorway, gesturing for Carter to come inside.]
Hi. The, uh. The coffee's ready.
[And true to his word, two mugs are sitting on the dining table, steaming hot.]
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Date: 2023-04-28 01:20 pm (UTC)From:[Carter gives him a smiley face in the real world, then steps inside. He lingers, a little awkward, not sure whether to do anything else - a hug? a kiss on the cheek? - because everything has been such an up and down and one mess after the other and they haven't really seen much of each other and it's honestly a little hard to know where they even stand.
In the end he reaches out to touch his arm gently, maybe a little searchingly - I like you? Do you still like me? Maybe there'll be another date at some point if they can stop transforming into monsters every other week? - and moves over to take the mug and warm his hands.]
That smells good. A lot better than the stuff in the clinic. We should get a new machine for it...
no subject
Date: 2023-04-28 01:23 pm (UTC)From:He puts his hand on his arm in return, a little reassuringly, maybe a little longer than he should have.
I like you a lot and I'm sorry for what I put you through.]
I'll probably be more useful being the coffee guy for the clinic, so I can take care of that.
[A wry, though sad smile. He hopes he's being a good assistant, though.]
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Date: 2023-04-28 01:31 pm (UTC)From:[He sits down, taking a sip of his coffee, one thumb idly running over his fingertips. It's a nervous habit he picked up once thread started sprouting from them and even though he knows it doesn't happen randomly, he can't stop checking if there's some residue there.]
... I feel like there's so much to talk about I don't really know where to start.
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Date: 2023-04-28 01:37 pm (UTC)From:[It still stings, the loss. But he’d do it over again a million times over just to be safe around Carter.
He takes a sip of his mug, watching Carter curiously. He’s wondering what this might be about. There’s something both pained and fond on his face at the same time. He wishes he could tell what’s bothering him, and he wishes he could protect him from it.]
Take your time.
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Date: 2023-04-28 01:44 pm (UTC)From:There is of course the elephant in the room - I relapsed and I'm terrified of it happening again - but when he tries to say it, out loud, he feels a suffocating shame and the words won't come. Which of course tells him that he should absolutely say them.]
When you... changed. How did that start? What was it like?
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Date: 2023-04-28 02:16 pm (UTC)From:That…was not where he expected this conversation to go. He frowns, putting his mug down, trying to come to terms with the incongruity of it all.
Really? You wanna talk about that? Now?]
I…I guess it was really sort of a sneaking thing. I didn’t know it was happening until it happened.
Or maybe things were so messed up with the effects from Bennett’s alien symbiote I just thought it was part of that at first.
I had this feeling…of not being myself from all those doses. Of being replaced, overwritten. I think that’s what got the Stranger’s attention.
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Date: 2023-04-28 02:23 pm (UTC)From:He's a little trapped in his own head, not realizing that it's not the kind of talk Luka expected.]
So you think that... that started it? You doing something that aligned with an Entity?
[Does that mean his relapse was the catalyst for... whatever is happening to him? Probably, right? Man, like he didn't feel guilty about it before.]
And then it was just... there?
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Date: 2023-04-28 02:30 pm (UTC)From:[He looks at his coffee dejectedly, completely oblivious to it all for a moment. It’s just that maybe they could’ve talked about them and maybe he’s reading into this wrong, maybe he’d messed things up too much…]
It was when things got really bad it showed up. And one day it was just…there, just like that.
[…
…
…
Please accept the several long moments for Luka’s brain to catch up.
His mouth opens and closes a couple times, his brows furrowing.
Wait.
Wait a minute…]
Did…did something happen?
no subject
Date: 2023-04-28 02:37 pm (UTC)From:Worst of all, he's feeling the hypocrisy like a rash burning his skin.
Berating Luka over and over again for aligning with the Stranger, for using his powers, for making all these stupid choices and allowing it to happen in the first place.
Now look at him.]
Yeah.
[He sounds so small. He feels so small.]
Yeah, I... I think it did.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-28 02:45 pm (UTC)From:It feels like the world is spinning and his face drains, turning paler. He’s never regretted giving up his abilities except for this moment, because right now he feels horrifically powerless.
Afraid.
He wonders if Carter can feel it now. To know that hunger, that need…
He reaches out, for his hand.
He’s not angry.
He’s scared.]
What happened, John?
no subject
Date: 2023-04-28 02:52 pm (UTC)From:He's scaring him and he can feel that and Carter stares at his hand, feeling the fear dance and spin and tingle on the back of his head and in his fingertips.
It's a new sensation, almost alien, like getting a new sense. Except it's not really all that new, is it? Because he knows exactly what it feels like. That hunger, that need. It doesn't come as a shock, it comes as recognition.
He would have preferred the shock.]
I...
[He clings for his hand for support. Or maybe to soak up his fear. He doesn't want to but he can't seem to stop himself and the guilt churns along with the excitement.]
I can do stuff that I couldn't do before. At first I thought it was like... you know. The museum. Something that comes and goes. But... I don't think that's it.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-28 02:55 pm (UTC)From:He squeezes his hand.]
If it hasn’t gone away, it’s probably what you think it is.
What can you do?
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Date: 2023-04-28 03:00 pm (UTC)From:[Right. That.]
I can... Okay, this is gonna sound really stupid.
[Despite the horror and shame he can't quite help getting a little flustered when he tries to explain.]
I can jump. Uh, well, like, more like, it's more like a leap? Backwards mostly, it, it mostly goes backwards. ... And there's this thing that my hand does, it's like a... thread. That comes out of my hand?
no subject
Date: 2023-04-28 03:09 pm (UTC)From:[A beat.]
Thread.
[You’re getting the buffering face look again.]
Oh.
Can I…can I see?
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Date: 2023-04-28 03:12 pm (UTC)From:[He frowns, rubbing the back of his neck.]
You know, I don't know. I've... never done it on purpose? The last times it just sort of happened. ... I can try?
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Date: 2023-04-28 03:15 pm (UTC)From:[He knows where that leads.
It’s just.
It’s just that.
It’s just that as weird as it is, this sounds like spider-related powers and also the cutest set of powers he’s ever heard of, and while it’s all very horrifying it also seems to fit Carter very well in a way.]
I’d like to see.
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Date: 2023-04-28 03:29 pm (UTC)From:[At least Luka doesn't seem to be... mad? Resentful? There's not even a smug schadenfreude going on here and honestly, it's a relief.
Carter gets up, looking around in the small space.]
I'm not sure what to do. The last time it happened I was... startled into it?
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Date: 2023-04-29 04:31 am (UTC)From:[Hmm! What a conundrum.]
Can I see your hand?
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Date: 2023-04-29 05:45 am (UTC)From:[He hesitates, rubbing his fingertips for another moment, but then holds out his hand for him.]
... Yeah, sure. But you're not gonna find anything. I've examined them, nothing. I'm not even sure where the thread is coming from.
["Magic", probably. The infuriating answer to everything around here.]
I can feel it coming out of my hand but...
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Date: 2023-04-29 06:20 am (UTC)From:[Still, he takes his hand and looks it over anyway, though he can no longer remember the names of the muscles and bones, or the layers of skin something may be hiding in.]
Maybe it’s emotional, then? Has anything happened if you were upset for happy?
no subject
Date: 2023-04-29 07:26 am (UTC)From:[Carter watches him and looks down at their hands, Luka's fingers gently moving along his palm. After a moment he reaches out to put his other hand on top, just... holding on for a moment.]
Upset, mostly.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-29 07:39 am (UTC)From:[He squeezes Carter’s hand when he puts his hand on top.]
When I first…when it started, I couldn’t really control it at first. But eventually I could, with practice.
[There’s a pause.]
I was just afraid—I still am. I know you can tell. I want you to feel my fear, and take it. Once you feel that, push that feeling outwards. Like you want to scare me instead.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-29 07:50 am (UTC)From:[He looks troubled at Luka's suggestion - isn't that the exact opposite of what he should be doing? Isn't feeding your Entity bad? That's what he always argued, incessantly, demandingly. Then again, he can't really keep leaping around uncontrollably or hurt people by accident, can he?
Luka's fear swirls all around him, fills out his head and it feels so good and it makes him so guilty and it's all too much.
If he could just control it-- if he could just stop craving it-- if he could just get away from it--
He suddenly leaps back, away from him, across the room. Taking a nightstand and a chair with him until he's stopped by the opposite wall. It knocks the wind out of him with an oof and then he's down on the ground groaning, a single thread leading over to his hand.]
no subject
Date: 2023-04-29 08:57 am (UTC)From:[That's all he gets out before Carter suddenly leaps, and he's not expecting that at all. Luka startles just as much when the lightstand and chair go with him and he knocks his own chair over, rushing over to Carter's side.]
Are you okay? I--
[There's a small thread leading to his hand.
That's...yep. A thread.
He stares at it, fascinated.]
You did it!
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