[His tone softens, the earlier abrasiveness clearly a shield to hide behind. It's so much easier to rant about consoles than think about what happened. Part of him wants to move back to that, to snap at Luka, to come up with some snarky reply.
But that won't do them any good. It feels like honesty is one of the few weapons they have left against these Entities.]
Neither do I. I don't want to... fight again.
[It's occurring to him that their conversation is taking the form of a lover's spat and he grimaces but it beats the alternative. Which is Luka being hunted or maybe killed.]
But we need to talk in person. We need to... work through this.
[This is...good, isn't it? Carter reaching out to him, not wanting to fight...if only he hadn't been so stupid as to become an Avatar, they might actually work through this.
But now...?]
Are you sure? I...
[He'll need to feed. Before he meets Carter. Just so that he's not hungry.]
He needs to be ready. It's unfortunate but he feeds twice as much as he normally would, to make sure there's no chance of it happening again. After a few hours, he calls Carter back.]
That there's going to be a rinse and repeat of him leaving a pathetic amount of voicemails and that would be that. But then in comes Luka's reply. I'll be home tonight.]
[It's easier to play it cool when you talk on the phone. He's always been good at that. Quick with some smartass remark if he talked to a friend, cold when his family's lawyers called him, professional when it was about work. There's so much you can do with your voice when you and your body are removed from the situation.
But his body is very much in the situation right now and so is the feeling of vulnerability that comes with it. He absent-mindedly rubs his back, then forces himself to stop.
He's here and his bravery falters. It makes him angry because he can't hide from it out here.
He knows he's afraid.
He knows Luka will know he's afraid.
But there's nothing he can do about that so he takes a deep breath, pulls himself together and knocks.]
He can sense his fear way before he even arrived at the door.
He's just very lucky that he did feed so much, but even so...it's tempting. He feels sick, hating that the monster in him--not in him, he was the monster wanted the fear even now. There's something wonderfully exquisite about Carter's fear, maybe because he knew him so well, maybe because he's Carter and he cares about him...either way, he knows he's a danger to him. But for right now, he can resist.
He hopes.
He opens the door, ducking his head a little as he does so, standing back so that Carter can come in. He looks...not so bad, all things considered, though the dark circles under his eyes are pretty prominent, or maybe it's all just an illusion.]
[The door opens and Carter looks up at Luka, looks past him, his stomach churning.]
I... wasn't sure I would.
[He lingers for another long, awkward moment, then steps inside.
He doesn't look at Luka's face for too long, he's moving very consciously about the room, he chooses a wall to lean against that is close to the door and ensures that Luka is not between him and the door.]
The words fill him with dread, and he sets his jaw, frowning at the floor.]
I figured you might.
[And he hates it. Hates the memory that is dredged up of it happening to him. Hates the guilt and the relief he feels when this time, it is not him.
Hates that he feels like an accomplice in all this. No, not feel. He is one, no matter how good his intentions. Would he have kept the secret for anyone else? Carter doubts it.
[Carter feels his blood run cold at Luka's suggestion.
Find a person to sacrifice to him? How can he ask that of him? How can he make that suggestion and not expect Carter to slam the door on his way out? Is he really that far gone?]
... I can do that.
[He is not going to do that.
But he's willing to lie about it if it means Luka agrees to trying.]
We'll be smart about it. Take precautions. I'm not making you go cold turkey without a plan, okay?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chiming
no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 07:15 am (UTC)From:[Or at the very least, he’s not telling Carter. Right now, anyway.]
You better not. That’s mine and not yours.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 07:29 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 07:40 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 07:44 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 08:24 am (UTC)From:[He has to remind himself that someone else might be listening in on the conversation—]
I didn’t think you’d want to go back there.
Or see me again.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 08:29 am (UTC)From:I didn't.
[At first. After what happened.]
But I don't want things to stay the way they are right now.
[He still hasn't given up on saving you, all right?]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 08:38 am (UTC)From:It’s one thing to think it, it’s another to have it confirmed.
And it hurts.
It hurts more than he imagined it would and he imagined it hurting quite a bit.
It at least that’s not it.
At least he hasn’t given up.
There’s a sharp intake of breath before he speaks again.]
I don’t, either.
But I don’t know if it’s…
[Safe.]
…a good idea.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 10:28 am (UTC)From:[His tone softens, the earlier abrasiveness clearly a shield to hide behind. It's so much easier to rant about consoles than think about what happened. Part of him wants to move back to that, to snap at Luka, to come up with some snarky reply.
But that won't do them any good. It feels like honesty is one of the few weapons they have left against these Entities.]
Neither do I. I don't want to... fight again.
[It's occurring to him that their conversation is taking the form of a lover's spat and he grimaces but it beats the alternative. Which is Luka being hunted or maybe killed.]
But we need to talk in person. We need to... work through this.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 10:49 am (UTC)From:But now...?]
Are you sure? I...
[He'll need to feed. Before he meets Carter. Just so that he's not hungry.]
Yeah, I'll try to...make sure that it'll be...
...okay.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 01:04 pm (UTC)From:[Was it? Was it going to be?
Or was he just being stupid? Risking everything, risking other people, risking his own life?
What if it happens again?]
Let me know when you can get here.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 01:50 pm (UTC)From:[Maybe this was stupid.
What if he did it again?
What if he couldn't help himself?
He needs to be ready. It's unfortunate but he feeds twice as much as he normally would, to make sure there's no chance of it happening again. After a few hours, he calls Carter back.]
I'll be home tonight. I'll meet you at 7.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-27 07:09 am (UTC)From:That there's going to be a rinse and repeat of him leaving a pathetic amount of voicemails and that would be that. But then in comes Luka's reply. I'll be home tonight.]
All right. I'll see you there.
Action
Date: 2022-09-27 08:45 am (UTC)From:It’s probably cause he doesn’t stay here as much.
He paces, waiting for Carter. He has a couple of coffee cups and a kettle ready to brew in case he wants something.
But he himself? He’s fairly satiated.
The monster in him is.
Sometimes he’s not sure where the monster begins and he ends.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-29 08:16 pm (UTC)From:But his body is very much in the situation right now and so is the feeling of vulnerability that comes with it. He absent-mindedly rubs his back, then forces himself to stop.
He's here and his bravery falters. It makes him angry because he can't hide from it out here.
He knows he's afraid.
He knows Luka will know he's afraid.
But there's nothing he can do about that so he takes a deep breath, pulls himself together and knocks.]
no subject
Date: 2022-10-01 01:34 am (UTC)From:He can sense his fear way before he even arrived at the door.
He's just very lucky that he did feed so much, but even so...it's tempting. He feels sick, hating that the monster in him--not in him, he was the monster wanted the fear even now. There's something wonderfully exquisite about Carter's fear, maybe because he knew him so well, maybe because he's Carter and he cares about him...either way, he knows he's a danger to him. But for right now, he can resist.
He hopes.
He opens the door, ducking his head a little as he does so, standing back so that Carter can come in. He looks...not so bad, all things considered, though the dark circles under his eyes are pretty prominent, or maybe it's all just an illusion.]
I was...I thought maybe you wouldn't come.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-01 06:20 am (UTC)From:I... wasn't sure I would.
[He lingers for another long, awkward moment, then steps inside.
He doesn't look at Luka's face for too long, he's moving very consciously about the room, he chooses a wall to lean against that is close to the door and ensures that Luka is not between him and the door.]
It feels pretty stupid.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-01 06:30 am (UTC)From:Luka draws in a sharp breath, not sure he can handle this.
Handle things not being the way they were.
He’s so afraid of him.]
It’s not stupid. You need to keep yourself safe.
[He wrings his hands a bit.]
I…fed. Before you came here. So I wouldn’t be hungry.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-01 06:43 am (UTC)From:The words fill him with dread, and he sets his jaw, frowning at the floor.]
I figured you might.
[And he hates it. Hates the memory that is dredged up of it happening to him. Hates the guilt and the relief he feels when this time, it is not him.
Hates that he feels like an accomplice in all this. No, not feel. He is one, no matter how good his intentions. Would he have kept the secret for anyone else? Carter doubts it.
They're all hypocrites here.]
So your condition is... unchanged.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-01 06:55 am (UTC)From:[He looks down at the floor too, the guilt threatening to eat him alive.]
I do it pretty regularly. I’m afraid if…
…I don’t know what’ll happen if I don’t.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-01 06:59 am (UTC)From:[Carter looks up briefly at that, something resonating with him when Luka says I don't know what'll happen if I don't.
He knows that fear of the unknown. Of being without.]
We could try. Monitor you. Like a... detox.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-01 07:48 am (UTC)From:I haven't. I...
I don't know what will happen if I do. What if it makes me go crazy, makes me ravenous and I end up like the others...?
[Like the other Avatars?]
You'd have to tie me up. And then in case it all goes wrong...find someone for me to feed off of in an emergency.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-14 11:26 am (UTC)From:Find a person to sacrifice to him? How can he ask that of him? How can he make that suggestion and not expect Carter to slam the door on his way out? Is he really that far gone?]
... I can do that.
[He is not going to do that.
But he's willing to lie about it if it means Luka agrees to trying.]
We'll be smart about it. Take precautions. I'm not making you go cold turkey without a plan, okay?